Dear Mrs May and Ms Widdecombe
Let’s not hold with formalities. Theresa and Ann. I thought I would write to you at the same time to be green. I’m also on my way out of the country again for a holiday. Although not terribly green, it is much needed. I promise to plant some trees in my garden. And as I have been vegetarian for 53 years I’m probably in the plus.
On to other matters. Theresa, I was a bit surprised that even after two letters from me, you did not respond! I will start thinking you don’t like me. I know you have been busy going around Europe – not inter-railing I know. What was your favourite country by the way?? I hope they were kind to you. Is that Brexit thing happening? October is so far away – are you hoping that everyone will come back after the summer holidays and have forgotten about last term? What will the BBC do?? They will have to create some fake news to fill up their schedule.
I digress. It would be churlish of me not to thank you for the lovely weather you got us for Easter. So you must have seen my last letter 👍🏽 What are the plans for the summer? I think if you manage to get us a good summer the country would get right behind you. Does anyone in government know what is happening in the country? I hope someone is paying the bills and keeping up with the regular chores such as education and health?
I know you’ve handed in your notice. But goodness you’ve been very canny with the conditions. The negotiation gene is in there! Much as you and I don’t see eye to eye please, pretty please don’t let Boris, Michael or Jacob get the key to Number 10. Change the locks. I can send you the details of a reliable locksmith from Bedford and he’s not too expensive – I know we are being measured in our spending.
Are you looking forward to Donald’s visit? If it were my decision he would not be allowed here, but I suppose we need all the help we can for those future trade deals. There are a lot of Americans and we want their Dollars. Whatever it takes, Theresa! But we don’t expect you to let him hold your hand. There are limits to everything.
Finally, are you keeping well? I have been concerned at your persistent cough and greyish tones. Do you need some drugs? Nothing illegal but I have a lot of new friends in Bedford who are Doctors. They are all Indian, by the way. I am sure I can get one of them to see you without waiting for weeks for an appointment. Did you see what I did there?? Mixed immigration and healthcare 💪🏽
I don’t want to seem like a stalker (that is illegal, I believe) and I am certainly not going to beg for a reply. I have my pride. But always here to offer help if you want it. I’ve been baking recently so can offer tea and cake.
And now on to you, Ann.
I heard that you have joined Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party. I hope you didn’t think it was a remake of Noel’s House Party?? No, so you seriously made a conscious decision to step up with old Nigel. Perhaps I am not as clever as all you politicians – try doing something that brings people together rather than creating more division. And if you put on that superior voice to start lecturing me … all I will say is “Strictly and hanging in mid air”. Everyone should do what they feel is right and honourable BUT I wait to be shown how Mr Farage adds any value to this country. Shame on you for walking over to his world.
What do you think you and Nigel do once Brexit is achieved? Do you have other passions that will surface? Does he dance too? I don’t mean to be rude, you’re the same age as my mum. But could you not have achieved something positive without him? I feel as if I’m reiterating my dislike for Mr Farage so I will stop. And I know you aren’t bosom buddies with Theresa so you will understand my feelings.
See you both on Halloween! 👻🎃